My Miscarriage

I have been in bed for over an hour trying to sleep but I can't. I need to get out some of what I have been thinking and feeling about since my miscarriage. It seems to me that a lot of people don't want to talk about it, but I don't think it should be hush, hush. When my friend, Paige, talked to me about hers, it was nice to talk to someone who had had one. My mom miscarried 4 times (one at 5 months) and I have heard her stories before about them, but now I can understand some of what she went through. It is like what my friend said, that now I belong to an exclusive club of women who have had a miscarriage. Is it a club that I wished that I belonged too? No, but I can now relate and maybe help someone else who goes through the same thing. This morning when I opened the drawer in the bathroom to get my toothpaste,

I came across this:It is part of the wrapper from the pregnancy test that I took on June 24th, that confirmed I was pregnant. I could feel that huge pit in my stomach open up again. It was a reminder of what I lost. I did, in fact, miscarry on July 3rd at 9am. I went to the doctor on July 6th, and he confirmed that there was nothing there and that nature had taken care of everything. I guess you could call that good news, but it still hurts. These last few weeks have been really confusing for me. I guess I have been trying to make sense of what happened and how I feel about it. I am still working on that. I am working on putting together a scrapbook page about my miscarriage. Some might find that weird, but this is something that happened to me and I want to record it, and it is also a way for me to get closure. That is really what I need right now, closure. I am so grateful that I do have two beautiful children but that doesn't mean that I can't mourn for a baby that I wanted so much!

Easter Egg Hunt

We dyed a bunch of eggs and hid them on Easter for Charlee to find. She had a lot of fun.

We should send Easter cards next year with this photo on them!!!!

Easter Morn

I am really behind on posting anything new, so I am going to try to get caught up.

I love the holidays and I was so excited this year to do 2 Easter baskets. Yes, even my little man got an Easter basket. Just because he is a boy doesn't mean he should miss out on all the fun. It was also fun this year because Charlee is really into the holidays now.She was so excited for the Easter Bunny to come!
Tommy didn't know what was going on, but isn't he cute!

The kiddos!!

Baby, No More :(

Today is sad.

I believe I am having a miscarrage.

Since it is a holiday weekend,

I can't call the doctor until

Tuesday.

I am very, very sad.

I guess now is not the time

for baby number 3.

WHAT?!?!?!

I have taken a pregnancy test,

not once, not twice but thrice.

One last Wednesday, one on Sunday and

one last night. Each one was positive.

I am still in shock.

This WAS planned, very planned, we just didn't think that the first time we tried

it would work!

It took 2 years to concieve Charlee and 1 year to concieve

Tommy.

When Tommy was born, Lynn was done. He was happy with a family of four.

We have a boy and girl, he was done.

I, on the other hand, was on the fence. I have had this nagging feeling

that there was one more waiting to be apart of our family.

Then I just knew that I wanted to try for one more.

One might ask, "Why now, why not wait?"

Well, as our track record shows, I do not get pregnant very easily and we assumed

that it might take a while.

I also knew, though, that there was a possibility that

I could get pregnant right away, but that would be ok.

When I found out I was preggo with Tommy, I had to haul out all the baby stuff, buy diapers, get prepared for having a baby all over again.

This way, I am already ready. (Or so I think. I don't think I will ever be fully ready.)

This way I don't even have to put away the bottles.

I will just be in baby world a bit longer.

According to a pregnancy calculator online, my due date is March 2nd.

I am only about 5 or 6 weeks along.

I go on July 9th for my first doctors appointment.

I am nervous.

I am thrilled.

I am afraid of miscarriage.

I am excited.

I am afraid that something will be wrong with the baby.

I am still in disbelief.

I am scared.

We will need a bigger car.

Boy or Girl?

(I can't wait to find out.)

We will have double the doctor bills.

(Tommys birth won't even be paid off yet.)

I am happy.

I will be really tired.

(I already am.)

I am worried about money.

Can we afford another one?

(Not really.)

Can I handlle 3 kids?

Will I have hypertension and diabetes again?

(Most likley.)

I am emotional.

I just can't wait to get this little on here!!!

I have a lot on my mind and I know that Lynn is very worried

because he has to work his buns off to provide for us, and work has been slow.

I just know that the promptings that I had were real.

This is all apart of Heavenly Fathers plan for us.

I have faith that everyting will be ok and that, somehow,

we will be able to handle whatever comes our way.